7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Part 2
10 minute read
Good Morning,
This is the second part of my summary of 7 Habit of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. If you haven’t read part 1, you can find it here.
This part of the book introduces Habits 4, 5, and 6. These are all about relationships with others in both personal and professional life.
Part 3: Public Victory
To establish the habits of a public victory we have to build an effective foundation of independence. “Private victory [habits 1,2 and 3] precedes Public Victory [habits 4,5 and 6]”.
The importance of the private victory is that if you don’t know and control yourself, it’s difficult to love yourself. And it’s even more difficult to like others when you don’t like yourself. “The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are”.
Paradigms of Interdependence
Emotional Bank Account
Covey proposes the idea of an Emotional Bank Account. This is an account we hold with all other people in our lives. Kindness, courtesy, honesty, and other positive interactions make deposits in your account with other people. Negative actions make withdrawals. A high emotional bank account is what leads to trust in a relationship.
Six major ways to make an ‘emotional deposit’:
Seek to understand the Individual: Make an active effort to understand them. Show some care for the things they say.
Attend to the little things: small actions which we might forget, can make a lasting impression on others’ feelings. Pay attention to the little kindnesses and courtesies because they go a long way.
Keep Commitments: Self explanatory. Breaking commitments lowers trust.
Clarify Expectations: When people understand what’s expected of them in the relationship (both professional and personal), it’s easier to avoid misunderstandings.
Show Personal Integrity: This includes being honest and being loyal to those who trust us.
Apologize Sincerely: When we do something to hurt or offend someone, it’s important to apologize, and let it be known that we regret and acknowledge their feelings. This shouldn’t be disingenuous, if you don’t genuinely care to acknowledge mistakes, faking it will never build a lasting relationship of trust.
Habit 4: Think Win-Win – Principles of Interpersonal Leadership
Win-win is a philosophy of human interaction. The idea is that we should seek a win-win outcome from our interactions with others. This is opposed to:
Win-Lose: Try to get what you want and try to guarantee that others don’t. Competitive Incentives are an example of this. Trying to make people work harder through a competition pits them against their peers, friends, co-workers, siblings etc. This creates hostility and an environment lacking cooperation.
Lose-Win: This is all about pleasing others. Taking a loss on a deal, in a game etc. in order to make the other side happy with you, is worse than Win-Lose. This paradigm lacks any standards, expectations or demands. Overall, it’s not sustainable and very quickly devolves into negative feelings.
Lose-Lose: The interactions of two people with a win-lose mentality. Neither is willing to accept a situation in which the other side gets a win, and they both lose out in any possible victory for themselves.
Win: This is probably the most common paradigm followed. With no concern whether the person we are interacting with gets something or nothing out of the interaction. Just making sure we get what we want. In the long run, when you make deals or decisions in a relationship which only benefit you, the relationship won’t be a productive or lasting one. Always getting what we want from our siblings, friends or spouse. Negotiating deals with a supplier without any concern how our business affects them. Ultimately, we still lose because we don’t maintain a productive relationship.
Win-win is the mentality to aim for. Care for your own win, but also of the other side’s.
Win-win or No Deal
In trying to negotiate or come up with a win-win situation, Covey says it’s important to insist on it. If you can’t reach a win-win deal, then you should opt for no deal at all.
He gives an example of the president of a small software company. This person agreed to cancel a sale and contract the other party had already agreed to, because he knew they didn’t love the deal. He lost out on $84,000 at a time when his company was struggling. However, the character and integrity he had built with the other company’s president resulted in a $240,000 sale from them just three months later.
This concept is short and simple. A good outcome for you is a golden egg, a good outcome for everyone is the whole goose.
5 Dimensions of Win-Win
1. Character: There are three character traits which make up the foundation of Win-Win:
Integrity: “The value we place on ourselves.”
Maturity: “The balance of courage and consideration.”
Abundance Mentality: “The paradigm that there is plenty out there for everybody”. Don’t get your sense of worth through competition.
2. Relationships: To reach a win-win, both sides should be able to communicate their goals to each other. This requires building a relationship and understanding.
3. Agreements: After relationships, we form agreements. Work together to define expectations and the outcomes everyone desires. An agreement consists of Desired Results, Guidelines, Resources, Accountability and Consequences.
4. Supportive Systems: In Win-Win Agreements, the consequences we outline become the results of performance, rather than rewards or punishments. Shift your thinking away from incentivizing or deterring with rewards and punishment. Instead, work with others to discuss the good or bad consequences in your agreement. This is what should motivate people to perform.
5. Process: Covey outlines a process to follow for achieving Win-Win solutions.
“First, see the problem from the other point of view.” Seek to understand their needs and concerns.
“Second, identify key issues and concerns.”
“Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.”
“Fourth, identify possible new options to achieve those results.”
Applying Habit 4
Think about upcoming interactions where you could apply win-win to reach a solution.
Keep a list of obstacles you encounter when trying to achieve win-win solutions. What can you do within your Circle of Influence to remove some of them?
Select a relationship in your life where you’d like to achieve win-win. Apply the process. Think about what the other person’s needs are first. Then think about your own. Try to communicate with this person and see if you can reach a solution.
Think about the emotional bank accounts you hold in 3 of the major relationships in your life.
Consider your own scripting. Is it win-lose? Think about how well these scripts serve you in your life.
Find a role model who thinks win-win even in tough situations. Try to learn from this person’s example.
Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood
This is a big counter example of the false and manipulative “techniques” many people try to teach/follow today. Habit 5 promotes a genuine way to be influenced and influence others.
Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our time communicating. We spend so much time learning to read, write, and speak. But few of us learn to listen. It’s not something that’s taught in school, at work or by parents. Our communication skills are largely personality ethic based.
If we want to interact with people beyond a shallow surface level, and build relationships, we have to seek to understand them. “Unless you’re influence by my uniqueness, I’m not going to be influenced by your advice.”
Empathic Listening
Typically, we seek to be understood first and listening only with the intent to reply. Saying things like “Oh! I know exactly how you feel”, “What you’re saying is…” etc. Putting our own perspective into what others are saying or feeling.
Empathy over sympathy. We don’t have to relate experiences to ourselves, we can simply listen to others empathically and understand that those are their own feelings and experiences. When you listen to someone with empathy, you give them psychological air.
Without air, we would begin to panic and do anything just to get that air. Psychological air is letting out all the thoughts and feelings we have. When neither person can do that, of course their focus would be on ‘my turn to talk’ rather than listening to the other person.
“In order to influence, you have to be influenced”. There’s no trick or tactic to it.
Four Autobiographical Responses
Covey says we listen autobiographically. We try to fit everyone’s experiences and feelings into our own lens and experiences. Then we respond by projecting our experiences, our “advice” and interpretations onto others. The autobiographical responses:
Evaluation: we’re always thinking whether we agree or disagree, rather than just listening.
Probing: asking questions which come from our own lens and perspective.
Advising: we begin giving advice based on our own life and experiences.
Interpretation: we attempt to figure people out, explain their behaviors and thoughts based on our own character, beliefs, and motivations.
This part was an eye opener to me. I see myself doing this often.
These are the normal responses most of us are guilty of, we’re deeply scripted in them. But they don’t help us genuinely understand, nor do they encourage anyone to speak to us more openly. No psychological air.
Understand them better than they do
Covey says to listen so intently, without your own projections, that you understand others better than they do. Or make that your goal in listening empathically. Then, when responding to someone, and presenting your case, tell them what you’ve understood, without judgement. Be open to them correcting you where you’re wrong. Ultimately the psychological air you give them, the understanding of their needs, lets them know you care about what they want. You’re not being duplicitous. At the same time, you gain a deep understanding of what your customer, partner, friend, etc. thinks and feels, and that’s supremely valuable knowledge.
Applying Habit 5
If you have a relationship where you feel the emotional bank account is low. Spend some time and re-evaluate situations from the other’s point of view, write it down. Think about these ideas. Exercise empathic listening when you interact with them next. Compare what you learn with what you write. Did you really understand their perspective?
Share the concept of empathy with someone close to you. Tell them you want to work on listening and ask for their feedback a week later.
The next time you have the chance to watch people communicate, try not to listen for a bit. Just focus on the emotions you see communicated.
If you catch yourself breaking the rules of empathic listening – perhaps by making an autobiographical response – acknowledge and apologize for it.
Habit 6: Synergize
Synergy is the idea that “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. One plus one equals three or more”. Covey talks about the idea that a joint effort by independent individuals often results in what neither of them could accomplish alone. He gives plenty of examples and anecdotes driving this point home.
Force Field Analysis
Sociologist Kurt Lewin developed a “Force Field Analysis” model for effectiveness and performance. In this model, the current level of our being or performance is a state of equilibrium between opposing forces. There are upward forces that encourage us toward greater performance and restraining forces that oppose them.
Even considering everything discussed in this book so far, the truth is not all situations are under our control. Sometimes, it’s an aspect of the other’s behavior which contribute to a problem. We could attempt to be proactive and counter their downward force with our own upward force. But trying to compensate for (controllable) external factors isn’t always the best solution. We might not be able to change things directly, but others might. To synergize means to value the fact that working together is a better way to solve the problem.
We know the ideas of Habit 4 (Thinking Win-Win) and the skill of Habit 5 (Seek to Understand), Synergy is simply valuing the use of these to make better outcomes whenever possible. It’s simple but important. Simply knowing how to navigate interpersonal situations isn’t enough. To be truly interdependent we must value the interaction and seek it out.
Applying Habit 6
Make a list of people who irritate you. If you had a greater sense of security, could you value your differences with them?
Think of situations where you desire teamwork and synergy but don’t have it. What’s missing? How can you achieve it?
Part 4: Renewal
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
“Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things.... I am tempted to think...there are no little things.”
– Bruce Barton
The title of this habit comes from the following example:
“Suppose you were to come upon someone in the woods working feverishly to saw down a tree.
‘What are you doing?’ you ask.
‘Can't you see?’ comes the impatient reply. ‘I'm sawing down this tree.’
‘You look exhausted!’ you exclaim. ‘How long have you been at it?’
‘Over five hours,’ he returns, ‘and I'm beat! This is hard work.’
‘Well, why don't you take a break for a few minutes and sharpen the saw?’ you inquire. ‘I'm sure it would go a lot faster.’
‘I don't have time to sharpen the saw,’ the man says emphatically. ‘I'm too busy sawing!’
Habit 7 is taking time to Sharpen the Saw. It surrounds the other habits on the Seven Habits paradigm because it is the habit that “makes all the others possible.”
Four Dimensions of Renewal
Habit 7 is about renewal. This means maintaining and enhancing your personal PC (production capacity). Most philosophies of life deal with four dimensions. Sharpening the saw means renewing these aspects of your life consistently:
Physical: eating better, exercising etc.
Spiritual: “commitment to your value system”, this a private aspect of your life and you decide what matters here. Find peace and calm in your life through some means.
Mental: Learning, reading, writing, any mental stimulation. Don’t let your mind atrophy after leaving school, continue to challenge yourself and gain knowledge.
Social/Emotional: Most of our emotions are based on our social interactions and relationships. Build relationships, apply the habits of public victory to learn others’ perspectives. Practice resolving conflicts better.
Covey recommends sharpening the saw in the first three dimensions every day. “Daily Private Victory” is a practice of spending one hour every day on your physical, spiritual, and mental self.
Scripting others
Covey touches on the idea of helping others using the ideas you’ve learned here. Scripting others means to reaffirm them of the potential you see in them.
“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.”
– Goethe
Balance and Synergy in Renewal
Renewal should be balanced across the dimensions. Neglecting one will harm the others. This applies to organizations as well as personal lives.
Balancing renewal is synergistic because the different dimensions lift each other up. If we work on our physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional dimensions regularly, they have a sort of compounding impact on each other. Covey says this principle leads us on an upward spiral of growth and change. Continuous Improvement.
Applying Habit 7
List out ways to stay in good shape which fit your lifestyle well.
Select one of the activities from the above and make a goal in your weekly goals. Evaluate your performance at the end of the week.
Make a similar list for spiritual and mental activities. For your social/emotional area, list relationships or circumstances where Public Victory would help. Select one for each area and set it as a goal this week.
Commit to writing down “sharpen the saw” activities/goals every week for all dimensions.
Covey ends the book by sharing his personal conviction and source of correct principles: God.
I hope you found this as insightful as I did. If you want to more detail on any parts of the book, I recommend picking up a copy. Covey also wrote other books, including one titled, the 8th Habit.
I’m glad I started with this one because I feel it focuses a lot on the central, deeply meaningful aspects of developing yourself. It sets a good basis for the future summaries.
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Thanks for reading,
Sid